Disconnect & High Fives
When I hid in whatever dissociative modality was available to me, I became an expert in disconnection. I would start my day with a cup of coffee in hand, reading email and the news. Then I might empty the dishwasher or walk my pack of dogs around the block while listening to a podcast or songs. Next, I would jump head long into work, packing chores into any available moment. This busyness was always a forceful act, like trying to push a square peg into a round hole. Towards the end of the day, I would make dinner, pick berries in the garden while listening to another podcast, and then crack open a beer while watching TV. At about 9 pm, I would trudge off to bed, mindlessly. It was like walking around life with a box over my head and never really seeing or feeling anything.
When I started to realize how disconnected I really was, I would make those small changes suggested in articles, books, or podcasts. I would “meditate” on Insight Timer while really running through the day’s to-do list in my mind. Not once did it occur to me that I was running a foot off the ground, my feet never meeting the earth. I was constantly in a state of doing. In the noise I created, there was no need to address any more profound aspect of my life and the lack of functionality of the whole thing. It wasn’t working. I wasn’t working. If I stopped for a half a second, I recognized the discomfort of the ruse. So, I would garner speed - run faster and harder to nowhere. Every single day. If my life was a song, it might be Gotta Get Up by Harry Nilsson.
I remember a day a few years ago when I had a particularly long task list. I was buzzing through it, thinking how awesome I was at checking off yet another item. I looked at myself in the car rearview mirror and high-fived myself with a “damn girl, you’re on fire” energy. Maybe two minutes later, my kids’ school called me. They asked if I intended to pick up mine and the neighbor kids anytime soon. They were all waiting in the school office with the staff. In the flurry of doing and achieving, I had completely forgotten the most important people in my life needed a ride home. At that point, I prided myself on being the best mom around, but this pride was coupled with always questioning if I was good enough.
I would host neighborhood mud-throwing parties or play Nerf wars with the kids after school, but it was always time bound and on the task list. In retrospect, I wonder what would have happened if I just spent the day being present, relishing in the now, and honoring the time together - not high fiving myself over the accomplishment of another task. Things would have gotten done eventually, but I imagine that both my children and I would have learned the beauty of a moment, and that love comes from just being aware of our blessings. Sometimes our whole purpose is being present and hopefully, never arriving too late. It shows up when it is meant to show up. Glimpses of presence provide hope, love, and return us to the real important life list. And that is a check mark that is worth the high five.
Song: Gotta Get Up by Harry Nilsson
© Katie Baker 2024
